I know I'm broken in some fundamental way.
I worry I can't be fixed.
Broken open is how the light gets in.
Broken like the bread at communion.
Sometimes breaking is necessary and good.
It still hurts like hell.
I have these edges, these thorns around my heart.
I have this on again off again relationship with true love that plays out in my other relationships. For the last year of my marriage I told my ex that I wanted a divorce once a month. This was before I was tracking and making peace with my moon cycle. It seems there was a pattern. As I was still working to heal the effects of childhood trauma and postpartum depression--in winter, as a stay at home mom. As I was searching for that Divine Masculine energy to hold me safe to open more. But I've never felt safe to open all the way. And so I shut down and push away. It's not personal. I'm just broken in some fundamental way.
And there are simply underworld days.
For I am a woman.
I know birth, sex, and death mysteries.
I am encoded with the DNA of snake priestesses, Isis, and Magdalene
Who were demonized and feared in my childhood Christianity.
And I have this ancient self-hatred in need of redemption
Which has infected the human body
And polluted the waters of Earth.
"I am the whore and the holy woman." -Sophia
A mother is supposed to be all loving
Still she loses her shit sometimes,
Still she knows how to love her children
And her lovers
All night long.
We are human mothers, remembering how to be divine mothers in a world where the divine feminine was repressed, bought, sold, raped and cut up into pieces.
I love all mankind, for they are my children.
I am the mother of monsters
And still I love all of my children.
Some of us have been wounded.
I am a wounded healer.
Finding that edge between unconditional sacrificial love
And Stockholm syndrome.
Repudiating a woman was once sport. There were man codes passed around by those who ruled the public square on how to silence women and keep them away from places of power. Spiritual power once belonged to the Goddess dear Catholic church. In those days, wisdom flowed from the center of cities like milk from a mother's breast. That was before She fell.
I feel those ancient trauma codes still activated in our DNA
How he knows how to tear her down in every way.
And how she knows how to awaken in him the King.
And how these were torn asunder.
And how she learned to break his heart
Which he thought he could live without.
I have two big fears: fame and death. Fear of fame leads to this weird self sabotaging I do to not be too successful. Not to shine too much. Not to attract too much attention. Just enough to pay the bills and live in my mom cave. Goddess pushes me to go back to the public square. Walk into redemption.
I feel that flighty wide-eyed deer in me
And I feel marked and jittery in public some days.
I want to live in the caves again some days.
I want to find the sacred guardians who protected the fragile feminine some days.
I hear Goddess saying: you've not learned your lessons yet if you still believe that you are fragile.
I don't want to return to the center of the city. I was once reputed there. Hung there. Burned there. I remember. For I am connected to Her body. To women everywhere throughout time. To Sophia, the Divine Mother. Still she says, Come on, this is where we are going.
I'm building bridges
Like Hermes and Dionysus as they flirt
With the opposites
Until humanity discovers again
Initiations into the power of Spirit are to come.
The tide is turning.
She will speak now. She will return to the center of the city.
Wisdom is rising up from the Earth.
He loves a wounded feminine, a sexless Mary, because she makes him feel strong, and he is so very insecure. (He doesn't want you to find this out, so prepare to hold onto his shadow and a wild ride.) But this isn't really love. It's safe. He needs you to awaken his soul. It is not as weak as he fears. You must teach him. Just as the Good Shepherd seeks the lost sheep. You are seeking the lost boys, oh Mother Divine.
He knows the codes to publicly humiliate her, to keep her small. She knows the codes to crown him True King of Earth.
He also fears what he must master: standing his unique sacred ground in the presence of the traumatized/toxic feminine, the overwhelming mother, and the powerful sex goddess.
He must learn, as Zeus did, how to respect the energy of Hecate the wise witch, and the power of her magic, and her heart that defies his logic. He must learn to dance in his power with her in her power.
Sacred masculine. Sacred feminine.
Apollo must learn that dragons are not for slaying.
For the Dragons protect holy places and breathe holy fire.
So when I make my boundaries,
Please respect them.
For I am not a country
To be invaded.
But still he pressed: how can I love what I cannot control?
Then I realize I am simply shedding this ancient hatred of the feminine.
I am shedding the male gaze.
I am shedding the fears the gods had of the goddess that I had mistaken for my own.
I find my way back to the naive little girl who was always worthy of love. Who was not always Medusa, that happened after her rape. Not always an evil manipulating witch as he feared, but a woman who had learned wisdom in the dark places he had never been.
Still the cosmic rape was allowed. Ordained.
And men looked away. And denied that it was really that bad.
And She fell.
And in her terror she tore holes in the hologram,
And birthed monsters,
And assisted the darkness in fragmenting the divine.
I have panic attacks
I feel trauma invade and rape the present moment with the darkness of the ancient past.
I can Ice Princess for a while.
I love so big, you can't possibly.
Stay away. You'll only hurt me. I'll only hurt you.
For I'm still just a human woman, not fully goddess, so please don't be confused.
I am only made in Her image.
The fantasy may help you with your survival, but I'm not just some fantasy.
And escapism is just another prison of your soul.
I will over-promise and under deliver, every time
As mostly a projection
Mostly gooey center
All the places we dread to go, find us eventually.
So I check them off the list. I can't think of much more to fear now. Just death. Just the transition.
Then the lioness.
It's scary to be strong.
It cuts both ways
It's scary to be weak.
And now you must learn to dance dear ones.
My heart is a distant country, to which you've never been.
But our countries are at war.
Though we don't remember why.
I am writing peace treaties.
I have a gift for catalyzing rage.
I didn't understand this until I realized
Aphrodite is married to Ares.
Until I remembered how love flows into the lowest places
Because it's like a river.
These are times of the paradox. The switching of opposites. The embracing of shadow. The reconnection to pain so it can be healed and released in humanity.
What we do not bring to conscious appears in our life as fate -Jung
Fragile and yet
A Raging Fire with Bull Headed Determination
I'm learning that my fears are liars.
They are not the cages I believed.
Not the graves dug for me.
Rise, she whispers
Receive Persephone's blessing
As she makes her way home
To the center
And her Divine Mother
Where you too shall bloom